Saturday, June 26, 2010

Hi. I'm Billy and this is my brother, Dennis. This blog is about our grandfather, Grandpa. We think Grandpa is somehwere in the age range of 80-90. But if you believed his stories, he's 160. His favorite color is brown. His favorite food is collared greens. Grandpa claims to have fought in every major war of the 20th Century, up to and including the Persian Gulf War. In addition, he claims to have fought in the last 7 months of the Civil War. Which side he was on remains unclear. It's possible that there were 3 sides in the Civil War - the North, the South, and Grandpa. We live in an apartment together in Antietan. This blog is about our lives and the words of wisdom our Grandpa provides.

These days, Grandpa has waged a battle of his own against the shirtless joggers of Antietan. He calls these shirtless people "Nipple Boys." Nothing gets Grandpa more up in arms than Nipple Boys. Often times, he will yell at them from the window, where he sits with no shirt on. "IT AIN'T RIGHT!!" he screams, "This is not a third world country, put a Goddamn shirt on!" Sometimes he follows this up by throwing eggs or Walnuts at them. Though we love him very much, we do spend a great deal of our lives fixing the messes and misunderstandings left in his wake virtue of his misadventures. In fact, we've actually become well versed in Law as a result of his shenaigans.

Some more things you should know about Grandpa:

1. He smokes a corn cob pipe.
2. He receives government issued tins of an unknown substance that is supposedly for his Glaucoma.
3. Grandpa played for the African American baseball league in the 30's as the league's only white player.
4. He has IBS.
5. He claims to have had a long and steamy affair with Lauren Bacall.
6. Grandpa met John Wayne once and claims that Mr. Wayne made a pass at him.
7. He farts often and blames us for the subsequent smells.
8. Grandpa speaks fondly of his twin brother Emmett; however, he has been missing for over 40 years.
9. Grandpa has a sophisticated and multi-faceted rating system for Women's beauty.
10. Grandpa is sexually active. And the walls are thin. It makes things uncomfortable at times...

We will keep you posted on Grandpa and our lives. We will also keep you informed of Grandpa's words of wisdom and advice, which he refers to as "Grandpa's Ol' Cough Medicine."

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